Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in awrinkleintime6's LiveJournal:

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Friday, October 16th, 2009
4:59 pm	I feel like eating... ... but instead of doing that, I'm going to try to sit here and work through exactly how I feel. Way less fun, but might be useful. I'm tired of being a bad person and failing all the time. I'm tired of setting ridiculous goals for myself (less than 800 calories from the three major meals of the day) and then feeling like shit when I don't meet them. Today's calorie count isn't pretty. 250 for breakfast, 70 for soup, 20 for beet salad, and maybe 500 for a granola/dried fruit mixture I had for dessert. Stupid girl, why would you do that? So 850 for the day. I mean, it's not like the day is completely lost--I could probably still make dinner until 150 calories. But I still feel weak and like a pig. I'm also cold and feeling like a slob for not going for a run/doing weights/etc. Something productive. But hell, it's Friday, and I spent the better part of the past 48 hours studying for my Latin midterm that never happened. Why am I feeling like I want to eat right now? - I'm sitting in front of the computer. And food + mindless gaming = fun. - I am a bit hungry. Not terribly hungry, nothing I can't handle, but I didn't have an afternoon snack because of the giant, unhealthy dessert in the caf. - I'm fighting the feeling of just wanting to chalk the day up to a worthless one, and fucking it for the rest of the night. BAD black and white thinking; one mistake doesn't mean I have to make twenty. - I'm stressed about tonight. It's Hayley's film kegger, and I don't really want to go. But I probably will end up forcing myself to go, and having to deal with dressing up my fatso body and braving the cold. If Jessie bugs me about drinking, I am just going to say "Why do you fucking care? If I'm not fun to hang out with while sober, just tell me and I won't bother you with my presence anymore". - I'm angry about the Latin test/midterm. I just wanted it over. I think over all, it's just a feeling of not wanting to deal with the outside world. I think i'm going to go do a crossword now. In bed. With a hot water bottle. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 29th, 2009
10:34 am	Feeling crappy... but not all that crappy Well, as I suspected, I got sick within a few weeks of being in the germ-infested Queen's bubble. I guess it's what I get for killing my immune system. But it's not really a terrible sickness (...yet... *knocks on wood*), just a very sore throat and some chest congestion. I should have gone for a run yesterday, and I didn't; I should have gone for a run today, and I didn't. I called Mom yesterday, hoping she would make me feel better about my lack of exercise, and she did. Basically, she told me to listen to my body and treat it well, and also pointed out that if I work my body too hard this little cold may turn into something worse. And then I couldn't exercise for a week or something. However, I did do some weights this morning, so at least I got a little bit of fitness in. And really, my lack of white blood cells isn't the only reason for this sickness. I have also been sticking my fingers down my gullet more often than not, and that sort of thing does propagate a sore throat. I bought and ate--yes, the ENTIRE THING--a tub of cappuccino frozen yogurt from A&P. I should probably be shot. (On the other hand, I had my best purging session yet. I really got a ton up, and it didn't take that long to start. Yep, shouldn't be feeling proud of that but I am). I am 148 pounds, and so ashamed of the fact that I can't write Joan Mitchell back yet even though she has been asking how I am doing. However, I am feeling strangely optimistic. For one, I really have not felt like eating these past two days. The ice cream made my throat feel better, but nothing else. And I definitely wasn't craving it (or peanut butter). If nothing else, this proves that I'm not always a hungry glutton; my body's needs and desires do change, and I should listen to it. Secondly, I figure that I have to stop looking at the small little picture of my health. I tend to consider every day as either a failure or as a success, when really one day doesn't impact that much. I have to consistently make healthy choices to see any difference. So, although I haven't done very well exercising over the past week, if I look at the month I have done much better. A week of sluggishness isn't going to kill me. Not that this should give me a reason to throw the rest of the week to hell and eat whatever I want, but I should just view each decision within the context of the larger picture. I have Latin class in a couple of hours, and then I will go to Ban Righ, eat bowl after bowl of warm soup and drink cup after cup of warm tea. While reading either The Country Wife for Restoration Lit, or World of Wonders by Robertson Davies. Then I will head to BioSci for Medieval Lit. And then I can either go to Leonard for a really good dinner, or come home if I want. Whatever. Another reason I am feeling optimistic is that I am just not going to buy myself any more of my trigger foods. No popcorn, no peanut butter (well, I had to buy the bad Kraft smooth kind yesterday for our house because I finished off our old jar), no ice cream. I can still have treats, but I can have them at the caf or at MacCorry. I make good decisions when I am out, and not sitting blindly in front of my computer, so I figure this will be a good way to still treat myself a little bit without going overboard. Now I am going to have some fruit (strawberries--yep, I splurged and bought some beautiful berries at Metro. Step one of treating myself well) and relax for a bit in front of daytime TV. xoxoxoxoxox (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 16th, 2009
10:24 pm	Quick late-night post I thought I would just do a really quick post tonight, because I'm tired and need to be rested tomorrow. But several good things happened today, and I felt they needed to be commemorated. I wore my new boots today, with my light retro-style jeans and my new jacket from Jacob. I looked very stylish, if I do say so myself. I didn't shower, though, so my hair was up in a pony tale. Ashleigh, when she was coming home and I was heading for groceries, said I looked like a model. Restoration Lit was good, I made a point of speaking up several times in class. One of my points (about the line Dryden draws between natural, God-given rights and socially constructed laws) merited an "excellent point!" from the prof and she even wrote it down on the board. Good start to that course, I think. Then I went to the JDUC, grabbed a coffee and organized for a bit; a random girl came up and complimented my planner, and asked where I got it. Then I hit up Stauffer, found a desk and worked on Latin for a bit. I'm rusty, but it's nt as bad as I feared. Still scared shitless for tomorrow's class, though--I printed up the answer key and did all the work, so hopefully I'll be semi-prepared. Next I went to Leonard for lunch, to see if it was any better. It was--they still have the make-your-own salad bar, instead of ex-cons serving it to you. Also, I met Brandon (he has a 50-meal plan) and his friend Devon. Devon was very appreciative of my 85%, and he may or may not have been trying to impress me a bit. In either case, he definitely boosted my self esteem because I handled myself well in conversation with him. Brandon biked me up to Stauffer again, where there was a farmer's market (I told him about my crappy last year, and why I'm thinking about not sticking around 370 Alfred or even Queen's next year). I bought some beautiful fruit and veggies at the market, happy to support local farming and truly excited about the excellent fruit. Then I walked home, finished my work, had dinner.... and MOST IMPORTANTLY... ... drum roll please ... I RESISTED THE URGE TO SNACK ON PEANUT BUTTER. I went grocery shopping at John's without buying any, and I even thought about taking some of the common jar. But no--I remained strong, and had a healthy snack of yogurt, FiberOne and half a banana. It brings my estimated caloric intake today to 1300, which is fine. It also gave me a serving of grains AND a serving of dairy, both of which I generally do poorly on. So it was a good snack (and yummy too, although, of course, not as yummy as peanut butter). So, no bingeing or purging tonight. And another healthy day tomorrow. K that was a pretty crappy post, but at least it's something. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 15th, 2009
9:56 pm	Think not what you can do to your body... ... but what your body can do for you. Going into JFK-mode here, since I decided that I should think positively about my body/life/etc. instead of negatively. Especially since I just finished the rest of the peanut butter and threw it all up. Well, I THINK I threw everything up, since I kept at it until I thought I saw some green from the salad at dinner. It was pretty hard--my legs were shaking by the end of it. But I did it, and it's the last time. I figure I finished off the jar, and I'm NOT buying another one. Clearly I can't control myself when it's sitting in my cupboard, so it shan't be there any more. And tomorrow becomes a new beginning, YET AGAIN. Today was pretty tough. I woke up early, organized my notes for a bit, and then went for another short run (35 minutes). It was pretty much hell; I think it was all the walking I did yesterday, with heavy books and what not. My muscles hated me the entire run, so at least I finished half an hour. Then I had a snack of a pear and some sliced cucumber. Latin class was in some hidden room in Stirling--up the stairs, down two halls, room 412C. Not only that, but there's only about 20 people in the class, and the prof is a giant fan of the random-call-upon. So no missing class, no dozing off in class, and no skipping homework. Plus, he decided to do a real lecture today, and despite considering it for a moment I didn't bring my textbook. As luck would have it, the random girl sitting next to me didn't either, so (after a roll call, meaning he know my name as the stupid girl who kept bugging him about getting into 300-level courses) I had to raise my hand and admit neither of us had a textbook to work off of. Thankfully, some nice girl in the front row volunteered to sit between us, and we hit it off. Her name is Ruby, and she was also in Doroftei's class last year. We whispered the entire class to each other "Do you have any idea where he got that from? What the fuck tense is that?" She's in second year, lives on Brock and University, and is majoring in econ. However, we didn't walk home together, because I saw this morning that Queen's has finally charged me for my meal plan. So after Latin ended at 1:30 I headed to Ban Righ, where I nervously handed in my card. Lo and behold, it worked without a hitch, and I wandered around the food trying not to look too lost. They no longer have a salad bar, which is something I was counting on; now you have to order your salad and toppings from someone behind a counter. They ladle on the dressing too, so next time I think I will go for no dressing. Or maybe check out Leonard? The style might be different. I didn't see a ton that I would eat, but I had a variety of fruit and three bowls of split-pea-butternut-squash soup, which was delicious. I think this meal plan will work out really well, because it will give me variety, as usually I just buy a few things and eat them constantly until they are out. Secondly, it will mean I don't have to be draconian about planning out my meals in advance and preparing for them. I don't HAVE to think about food all the time, in other words; I still might, but the pressure is off. If I run out of food, or food I don't want to eat, I ALWAYS have a backup. Thirdly, maybe it will encourage me to try new foods, or food that weren't on the 'safe list' before. Since I can try a bite of something and throw the rest out without feeling guilty, and then go grab something else, it will eliminate the "all or nothing" mentality that I tend to have. So, all in all, I think this meal plan is a good thing. I stayed in the caf until about 3, drinking coffee and reading Dryden for Restoration tomorrow. Then I went to the bookstore, picked up $130.00 worth of textbooks for Middle Ages (still missing one textbook and a course reader, too), and then sat in the BioSci foyer until quarter to four. It was FREEZING outside and inside, but it was nice to realize that the cold I feel now is the 'uncomfortable' type, not the full-body, right-to-the-bones sort of ache that I felt when I was too thin. Still, it didn't make waiting with nothing to do any easier. The seminar looks good; I can see how other people might hate the prof, as she tends to get lost in rambling and seems strict. However, she also seems quite brilliant and dedicated, and was also able to lead discussion in a good way. I recognize a lot of people in the 20-some-odd class (including annoying Lauren from Lit Theory last year, unfortunately). I think I will enjoy it. Then I came home, hung around, had a dinner of leftover salmon and salad, and did the bingeing on peanut butter. Grrrrrr. Well, no more of that. Tomorrow I have class right at 8:30, but then I'm off the rest of the day. I should go grocery shopping (NO PEANUT BUTTER!!!), and perhaps go to TD to pay Queen's. I might run, but maybe I should give my legs a rest. We'll see how I feel. Anyway, I'm exhausted. Why do I always leave journal writing to the end of the night? In conclusion, it's not been a great day again. I almost cried at the thought of having to spend two more years doing this, even though I think I will enjoy my courses more than I thought I would. And even if I graduate, where does it end? I'll probably have to do more school, but even if I go straight to the workforce it's not like that's any better. Still full of petty people and stupid deadlines and fucking up, and doing things you don't want to do to pay for things you think you should want. Dr. Scarth warned me that I should be careful when I start thinking like this. It's supposed to be a red flag for slipping again. If anything, I think the scarily-easy descent into bulimia is a bigger flag. All I can say is, let's wait for a bit. A couple days does not depression/an eating disorder make... hopefully things will get better by the end of the week. (Comment on this)
Monday, September 14th, 2009
10:43 pm	First day of classes... ...and last day of bingeing on peanut butter. Eating it straight out of a bowl is only SLIGHTLY more civilized than eating it straight out of the jar. And let's face it, if I allowed myself to do that, I would down the entire jar in a night. Anyway, a quick re-cap of the day first. I woke up at 6:45 a.m. to give myself lots of time to get to class, especially since I wasn't entirely sure where my first class was. The building code was MAC001, and I assumed it meant a tiny little building a block off 'real' campus, MacGillivray-Brown Hall. Fortunately I complained about having to hike over there to Hayley and Jessie, and Jessie said that she also had a class in MAC001 but thought it meant Sir John A. MacDonald Hall. I figure a law building made way more sense, so I headed over there with allotted time to have to run to the far corner of campus if needs be. (I had FiberOne cereal, yogurt and berries for breakfast... mmmm. Same thing I've had for the past two days, same thing I'll have tomorrow. The sun has set on the Oatmeal Empire.) Wore my new AE striped v-neck with my extra-light, retro-style jeans that used to be waaay too tight for me; now they fit snugly. That was the beginning of my Fat Day. Made it to classroom 001 in MacDonald with absolutely no trouble at all, so I had to sit in the room for about twenty minutes with nothing to do. Everyone else strolled in at a more appropriate time, and then promptly greeted about five people in the room with "how was your summer?", "what other courses are you taking?", and so forth. Then the professor, Dr. Cheryl DesRoches, proceeded to call us 'second-years' multiple times, including talking about how she tailored the course specifically for second year students. She was also hugely surprised at how few of us had taken any sort of introductory Canadian history course before, AND asked if anyone was taking one currently... I felt like pointing out that this is the ONLY canadian course this term, and no introductory courses were offered last year OR in first year, which severely limits our options. Especially us minors, who have a few stipulations to deal with. The things that made me feel better about the class: - I recognized a ton of faces; faces that I know are in third year. So I'm not in a fully-second-year course. And I have the chance to re-connect with some people, make friends and whatnot. - I am not alone in not having taken a intro course before this. I also suspect many people were either embarrassed to admit they haven't or were stunned from having to wake up so early for the first time this year. - other than being out of touch with the topography of her student body, the prof seems really really nice and very engaging. - no textbook for the course; documents will be posted on WebCT, but most of it will be lecture-based knowledge. This is good because a) I don't have to spend more money on textbooks, b) I go to most/all lectures anyway, and c) I will be reading a lot this year, and less boring historical documents the better. - December exam IN CLASS, not during exam period. Heightens my chance of getting to go home extremely early (*knock on wood*), or at least takes some of the pressure off during those weeks. Of course, it does ADD it to the last week, but I'm OK with that. Unfortunately, she was the only prof who let me go early today; I wasn't hungry, I didn't want to go buy textbooks because I didn't want to lug them around all day, and I had to wait around with no readings to do. So I hung out in Mac-Corry with a coffee and Golden Words. Then I went to Walter Light Hall, where I have ENGL241. This is an 18th Century and Restoration course, and one of the few I actually was semi-excited about before classes started. The prof, Breanna Oryschak, is a PhD candidate and very young. In fact, I mistook her for a student at first. She has a pixie cut dyed fire red (it was platinum blonde, but she told us she dyed it again to look more professional for teaching) and an eclectic, endearing fashion sense. She was a bit gimmicky, like pulling out a poem with lots of 'cunt' and 'prick' in it to prove how rebellious the poetry of the period really was, but all in all she seems like a very good prof and a lot of fun. She also seems to be very heavily theme-based, which I appreciate greatly. The course for first term is divided up into questions of sexuality, authorship, production, etc... instead of purely chronological, or random, etc. Then Christopher Fanning will take over after winter break until reading week, but then she will do the rest of the year. It's weird, but I don't mind. Also exciting; one of the TAs is Julia, who used to date Daniel, my english TA in first year. She covered the tutorial once for him, and I really really liked her. Next I had ENGL255, Victorian Lit, in Mac-Corry B201. I staked out the room on Sunday, since I knew Mac-Corry can be a bitch of a maze. The room was easy enough to find, being on the first level and all, but I was still glad I took the precaution. Sure enough, blonde-haired gimp girl from ENGL292 last year was wandering around looking lost, and asked me if I knew where the E wing was. She had SLIGHTLY more social graces this time, at least thanking me for pointing her upstairs. Anyway, Professor Shelley King (yet another female prof--I have four this term) was the one I was worried about, as I had read some not-too-great reviews on RateMyProf.com. It just goes to show that these sorts of rating are different for everyone, since I found her to be very nice, very knowledgeable, and very dedicated to teaching a good class. Not that she doesn't have lots of time to disappoint me, but I think I will enjoy it. She has a very interesting project called serial reading; basically, a ton of novels in the Victorian period were published as periodicals, and were meant to be enjoyed slowly over a large period of time. But in class, we often will cover a whole novel in a week, and miss the chance to really be engaged in the plot. So we're taking Dicken's Hard Times in pieces all throughout the term, reading a few chapters every week or so and commenting on it on WebCT periodically. Should be a lot of fun. However, there was one sticky moment where she gave us time to "get to know our neighbours", and again I was sitting all alone listening to everyone else chat around me. There was another girl all alone two seats down from me, but I wasn't brave enough to say anything even though I knew her face. What was I supposed to say anyway, "hi, do you like Victorian lit?" Ah well. Then I headed home, pretty hungry but not as starving as I thought I would be, it being 1 p.m. I made myself lunch (salad + apple), read a bit, and then headed back to campus to buy textbooks. I ended up having to negotiate an absolute ZOO, as everyone seemed to have the same idea I did. The entire basement of the bookstore was pretty much winding lines, with scared first-years wandering the stacks looking completely lost. I managed to get my books for two classes, leaving the ones of Medieval Lit for tomorrow. I'm glad I did, because my bag was incredibly heavy even still. Next I sat in the reading room in Stauffer, reading Midnight In The Garden of Good and Evil; headed home, went to A&P, grabbed peanut butter, salmon and gum (two bad habits and one good one). Came home, snacked on peanut butter in front of the computer, had dinner at about 7. Then I called Mom, who was also having a bad day. I explained that everything externally went fine; my courses were better than I expected, and so on. But internally I was a mess; I still feel lonely, and I feel like I'm wearing a fat suit. I want to just unzip and let the real Gillian step out. I told her that I was thinking about coming home not next weekend, but the weekend after, just to give myself a mini-goal to look forward to. She was havign a bad day because renovations were crapping out, Ian and Duncan were whiny, Rachel was late and snippy, Dad was in a funk because he got into a big fight with Baba, and just general gross-ness. She went to have a bath to deal with the stress; I snacked on more peanut butter. And more. And more. And then attempted to throw it up. I got maybe 300 calories-worth out, which is better than nothing and definitely better than I've been doing so far. Still, I'm a fat pig and have now excluded peanut butter from my diet again. I have to. If I want a snack, by all means go ahead, but not on calorific peanut butter. Side note; Karine and ? from downstairs came up to visit. When I came out to put the phone away, Hayley and Ashleigh were talking to them outside the common room. I came out, Hayley went into the kitchen to deal with Stephen (who was cooking dinner for the two of them), and Ashleigh went back to watching House. Anyway, I redeemed myself on the social front. I was very friendly to the two girls, asked them lots of questions, and basically carried on a good meeting with them for half an hour or so. Granted, we did move to the kitchen after a bit where everyone else was, but I did most of the work. We also made tentative plans to watch a Patrick Swayze movie marathon night, in honour of his recent death (today!) from complications arising from pancreatic cancer. Jessie hates them for bugging us about sharing internet (we don't want to change because it appears that we're not paying anything right now, weirdly, and because we like our all-together package). She can't believe I actually want to hang out with them, and refuses to come if we do. Fine... I make friends on my own. She can continue doing nothing about her loneliness and depression; I'm not going to take it lying down. Tomorrow I don't have class until 12:30, so I'm going to go for a run in the morning. I'm also hopefully going to get some readings done, and all that jazz. Be proactive and on top of things. Most important, though, is NO PEANUT BUTTER. However, I think I have to remind myself good things about being this weight. I miss things like not being able to cup water with my hand, because my fingers were so skinny that the water ran right through. BUT, there are good things; - filling out bras nicely - wearing jeans without a belt - being able to sleep without body parts going to sleep because bones are digging into them - no hair loss - POSSIBLE menstruation return? Will think of more later; now, am tired and am going to bed. (Comment on this)
Monday, September 7th, 2009
9:33 pm	Almost the end of summer... ... and I think I can honestly say that I have never been so sad to see it go. Usually by this time (or earlier) I'm absolutely itching to go back to school. Even when I was just in high school or grade school, I was always excited to begin a new year. If there is one thing I absolutely adore and revel in, it is new beginnings. A clean slate, completely open to be written n by me. No mistakes yet, nothing under the surface I am trying to hide or forget about, just crisp organization and shiny blanks. To be fair, however, I realize that this September is hardly a clean slate for me, and that is definitely a big part of why I am struggling to picture myself back at school. I am not ashamed of my troubles last year, not in the least. Every one goes through blips in their life, and--to allow my conceit to shine through for a bit--my blips were characteristically extreme and scary. As Hayley pointed out once (and as I keep on repeating), when I do something I do it all the way. Whether it's loosing weight or playing a board game or writing a thesis, I give it 110% and push it to the limit. It can be a good thing, but as I've learned it can also be a very bad thing. Anyway, while I'm not embarrassed that I spent most of second year in the dark throes of severe depression and anorexia nervosa, I'm also torn between two extremes of how I want to deal with it now that I am well on the road to recovery (although I will be the first to admit that I am not all the way there yet). A part of me wants to just move on, define that as an important part of Gillian-Past but demand that people deal with Gillian-Present. Gillian-Present is NOT an anoretic, because although she did suffer from anorexia her life is so much more than that. On the other hand, another part of me wants to over-explain it all to everyone; apologize to the guys for being such a wet blanket, explain to the debating union why I could never get the energy to go on Wednesday nights, give my classmates an in-depth history of my life so they all understand exactly where I am coming from. What I really want to do this year does not include staying at home for any extended period of time; although I love my family, and enjoy spending time with them, I think it's time for all of us to get a break and move on. I need to get out of the nest, stand on my own two feet and walk (semi-) alone again. However, I still do not want to go back to Kingston, and there isn't a bit of my life there that I am excited about. It's not just that I want to avoid Hayley and Jessie; I don't want to go to class, I don't want to write essays, I don't want to have to deal with garbage disposal, I don't want to be in Kingston with its one-street downtown and its ghetto. (I actually do sort of want to switch therapists, just to see what different ones do. But I am worried that Dr. Pharand won't work out and I'll miss Dr. Scarth...) I know my parents really want me to go back to school. They want to be able to say that they're done their jobs as parents, that they've cured me and made it all better. They just want to see this as a little blip, and send me on my path to success and glory again. The truth is, though, that I will NEVER be the same. Some parts of that are good, but some are not. Regardless, I'm different, and I absolutely cannot walk the same path again. Maybe I'll still be heading to the same general goal (law school?), but I can't just hop back into the same scene. I'm so done with Kingston, and Queen's, and my friends and interests and groups. However, I can't think of anything else that I really want to do. All my ideas are vague, and never fully formed; I want to spend a year in.... Paris. I want to.... volunteer in Africa. I want to.... work in Toronto. Anything that, when I take it a bit further--as soon as I really begin to think about it, about the dirty details--looses its appeal. So, for lack of a better plan, back to school I go. It will be difficult because I basically have to go back into the same fish tank (2 of the same housemates, etc.) and say "I'm not the same person. You can't treat me the same way. I'm not going to treat you the same way. I still want to be friends, we still have to live together and work together, but I'm changing the rules." I have to somehow explain to my close friends that what I went through last year/this summer is serious enough to warrant all these changes, but yet somehow not serious enough that they need to constantly watch me. (That is actually ONE thing I'm looking forward to, moving back to Kingston--being able to eat my meals without feeling like an army of people is scrutinizing my every bite). And it's not just the housemate issue either. I feel like I conquered the beast of an English major last year; I worked my ass off and I kicked its ass in the process. I got and 85% average, which at one of the top universities in North America is pretty damn good. But now I'm tired of it; I finished, I did all I could. I don't think there's any way I can get a better mark this year (although I allow myself to think about it a little bit, because I keep hearing that second year is supposed to be the hardest for marks). My courses last year are even the courses that I will enjoy the most, probably; the periods of literature I am most interested in. Maybe not so much for Shakespeare, but the Modern Brit Lit and Lit Theory courses changed my life. I don't think I'll ever feel the same connection with a body of work again. I tell myself that I have to get the 'necessary', department-ordered courses in this year so I can get some truly excellent seminars next year. I also point out that MOST people don't like their classes all that much, but they still get through them. Yet I still have trouble finding the energy to get 'er done. To sum up, I guess I feel like last year was the apex of my english career. Now that I actually have to sound that out, it sounds melodramatic and ridiculous, but it's true. I don't know how I will deal with that this year. (Nor am I that excited about my history courses. A canadian politics credit... grrrr.) I think I can tentatively sum this up by describing my anxiety as worrying about how I can remove what went wrong last year, and replace it with worthwhile material this year, while dealing with some significant vestiges of the past. How can I fail? Let me count the ways; - I can't get rid of bad last-year habits (i.e. never going out, not feeding myself properly, drugging myself into sleep, talking about friends behind their backs), and relapse into dark depression and/or eating disorder-land - I can't get rid of bad last-year habits, but the Prozac numbs my brain into just getting more apathetic and isolated - I get rid of bad last-year habits but am too shy and social inept to replace bad friendships with good ones, and replace stressful extracurriculars with ones that I truly enjoy. So I just sit around like a pathetic loser. - I get rid of bad last-year habits and replace them with bad this-year habits (i.e. excessive drinking, promiscuity, bad academics, obesity) I have an appointment with Dr. Scarth tomorrow at 11:30, and it will be our last one this year (I may see her next summer, but that is way too far ahead to think about too much). I'm trying to think up things that I want to talk about. Last time we talked about how to deal with housemate drama, which I think I found helpful. Nothing she said was mind-blowingly brilliant, but just having to verbalize my concerns and really picture myself in the situations, while discussing my response ahead of time, is helpful. So what else was a source of stress and anxiety last year? - I felt disconnected from my profs, TAs, classmates (because of sudden lack of tutorial groups, etc.). Solution: form relationship with profs and any viable TAs right away. Go up after class and ask questions, introduce myself, try to speak up in class. Go to my TAs office hours. And, finally, try to strike up conversation and discussion with fellow classmates. I will probably recognize a lot of people from last year (hopefully--or hopefully not?). - I felt disconnected from my friends. Two reasons (I think) for this; friends in the debating union, for example, became better friends amongst themselves and I sunk into an ever-deepening spiral of isolation. Also, my choice not to drink and party with them put a damper on things. Solution: suggest activities that don't include attempted to black out (i.e. classic movie nights, maybe with wine, or picnics/ultimate frisbee, and so forth). Maybe have one drink on a night (which might also help with recovery from anorexia, loosening up and what not), so I can sort of feel part of it. And if I do find myself denying drink after drink while everyone around me heads towards vomit and stupor, try not to leave the party early. It just means I miss out on the good parts of the party, the parts everyone talks about later, and feel more friendless. - Constant backstabbing and social intrigue/drama. Between Jason admitting one of the guys really hated us, and the Hayley/Sarah/Matt love triangle, and Jessie just being her usual self, there was almost constant negative gossip and discussion going on. Furthermore, as a bit of a bridge between the three housemates, I had to deal with airing out a ton of it at house meetings and the like. Solution: I will NOT engage in that type of discussion anymore. If someone does start yapping at me, I will just say (as Dr. Scarth recommends) "I don't feel comfortable talking about that person behind their back" and try to change the topic. If needs be, I will be a broken record and repeat it over and over. I will not get involved in disputes between other people, unless they directly affect me, and I will encourage the person to talk to the other person themselves. Then I'll try and change the topic. (There will be quite of bit of that, me thinks). And finally, if someone writes a note up in our house (i.e. "Please push the toilet lever all the way up!") I will immediately confront the person about it. No sense in simmering below the surface, which leads me to my next point... - the building-up of little annoyances, that meant I couldn't stand some people by the end of it. Solution: deal with things as they come up. If they bug me, there's a reason why, and I have to listen to myself on that one. Anyway, I think I'm going to go to bed soon, because I'm trying to get myself back into early-to-bed, early-to-rise lifestyle before school. And tomorrow I have a bunch of things to do. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox (Comment on this)
Monday, August 10th, 2009
10:53 pm	New beginnings ...once again. I tend to do this a lot. I have gone to bed pretty much every night in the past week or so promising myself that I won't snack so much tomorrow. I've turned my 'must gain weight mindset' into 'avoid Boost in the afternoons so I can eat copious amounts of trail mix and peanut butter whilst sitting in front of the computer from 9-11 at night'. It's probably fine while I need to gain weight, but it's definitely not the healthiest thing. I'm also (still) convinced I'm gaining pounds and pounds of belly fat--as improbable as I know this is, and as much as I have finally admitted to myself that the womb-protection curve is always going to be part of my body shape, I still hate it. SO, the plan for tomorrow, which I will STICK TO LIKE A BARNACLE, is to avoid over-snacking. Breakfast will be the usual. I will pack a lunch (probably a turkey wrap) plus a fruit and veggie. I will eat a good amount of whatever Mom serves for dinner. I will have ONE alloted snack afterwards of trail mix (whatever of it is leftover), plus one serving of fruit if I still want to eat. AND THAT'S IT. It is a solemn promise to myself that I will at least try it out for one more day. I also should do some weights or go for a long swim or something. I'm tired, it's time for bed. *Sigh* Hard day at camp tomorrow--not looking forward to it!! But I know I can do it. (Comment on this)
Sunday, July 19th, 2009
10:22 pm	I should really pick a better time to write in my journal. By now, I'm just so tired (energy-wise, and also of just mulling over my day) that the last thing I want to do is write it all down. I'm completely convinced not only of the immediate benefits of journal writing, such as self-knowledge and working through problems, but I also know that I'll appreciate being able to go back and read over this in a few months/years/whatever. However, I always think "I'll start for real tomorrow... put in a really good effort tomorrow..." Anyway, today was my last rest day before a long week. I work nine hours a day for the next six days, and I'm not sure how I'll be able to handle it. Monday to Friday I will be coaching at my first Rambler's camp of this summer, which will be quite the experience. For one, I really REALLY suck at basketball now, and secondly, I hope I will be able to deal with the chaos and the needy kids. But I definitely feel better than I did at the beginning of the summer, and I think I can handle it. Rob Angione is the director of the camp, and so far he appears to be far superior to Greg McGill. As much as I love Greg, Rob has already emailed us all twice with tentative daily breakdowns, a before-camp/lunch/after-camp supervision schedule, and camper group lists. [I have ten kids who I think I are in grades 5-6; only two girls, and I only recognize maybe one or two of the names.] When I asked him if I could leave immediately at four on Thursday to make it to a doctor's appointment, he offered to take over my group at 3:30 so I could leave even earlier and make it on time. With Greg as director, we figure out the groups the morning of, and the plan for the day consists of his chicken scratch on a scrap of paper detailing how to play King's Court. However, this may also mean I'll have to step it up effort-wise to meet all of Rob's expectations. All in all, though, I'm hopeful about the change in pace the Shooting and Positioning Camp will provide. I am worried, though, that either Greg or Danielle or Chad (or even Rob Brandl, who I'm pretty sure I coached with last summer) will be shocked at my weight loss. It will be highlighted by the fact that my old coaching staff shirt will absolutely drown me in gaudy, fire-engine-red fabric. Danielle emailed to say she will give us three new shirts for the week, but I bet she grabs me large ones that will be no help at all. Ah well, nothing for it but to face it with grace. Since there are still several camps to go, she probably has some smaller sizes on hand that I could ask for, and she could bring later in the week. If not, it's a friggin' basketball camp, and I can wear a really big shirt for one week. I should also remember to bring my police check. I'm in the mood right now to read someone else's diary; someone from either decades or centuries ago, someone not particularly famous, but someone privileged. A woman, maybe, traveling around her 19th century world with an elderly chaperone and money to spare. Don't really know where to begin looking, not to mention I have several other books to get through before getting/borrowing new ones. Ian and Duncan left for Forest Cliff today, which means a full week ahead of civilized meals (excluding Rachel's stony, sullen silence) and parents going off to go shopping for things like patio furniture together. Although they knew no one in their cabin, something like ten other boys from Somerset are going up this week, so no re-inventing themselves or anything. (I guess that they couldn't forge a new identity, anyway, since they go together--but hopefully they aren't disappointed by their week there. Hopefully it doesn't reduce to school yard politics and gang wars. Mom and Rachel went up to the farm today to help with Pick Your Own, although with the crappy weather it wasn't too busy. However, they did have to deal with this large Iranian family who refused to pay full price for their tiny basket of cherries (after spending several hours in the orchard). After a big shouting match where they called Mom a racist, pretended to not understand English, soiled the Portapotty with dirty diapers, and picked unripe plums that they subsequently tried to throw away, they finally paid and drove off. But they had to come back a few minutes later because--get this--they left two of their kids. The kids ended up walking down Main Street and getting lost, but Mom was one button away from calling the police. And Elissa broke down into tears, had a hissy fit and threw baskets around. And Gran didn't recognize Rachel. Elissa, in other news, is being visited by her ex(?)-boyfriend, Matthew, a friendly but wimpy British sop. I though he was just staying for the weekend, but Mom said that he is staying until the end of September--at the farm (!!!). Gran is furious that they will be sleeping together under her roof, not to mention that Elissa just invited him down for an extended stay. And I don't blame her--Elissa really does seem to bring chaos wherever she goes. (A not-so-funny story involves her inviting a homeless man to stay in the house for a night, after a particularly fruitful [haha] Pick Your Own resulted in several thousand dollars also staying in the house.) There's more to report, but I'm too tired. Maybe tomorrow I should try writing right after dinner... or before. (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 16th, 2009
10:14 pm	Missing the drive I've been thinking more and more about how I do not want to go back to school/Kingston yet. I thought that by this time--halfway through July, after all--I would go back to missing living at 370 Alfred and going to lecture, etc. etc. etc. Yet for some reason I am not at all antsy to go back; nor, for that matter, am I completely dreading it. At the very least, by now I do feel like I could handle living away from my family (living with Hayley and Jessie [and Ashleigh] again, having to deal with classes and assignments and future stuff). However, I realize I'm missing that drive, the will to compete and complete and just GO ahead in life. Why should I go back to school when I'm not sure why I'm there? Maybe deferring for a year would be best. I look it up and it seems that it would be really easy to do; I just have to submit a written request to them by August 1. I can either plead a medical reason (uh, depression and anorexia) or something they nicely refer to as a 'compassionate' reason (again, depression and anorexia and just generally putting my life back together). My marks are good enough that they would likely not have a problem with it, so I think it's pretty easy to do. Anyway, I had an appointment with Joan Mitchell today, and all the Boost and feeling like a fat pig all week actually paid off. I gained two pounds and a quarter, which I feel is a perfectly acceptable number. I wouldn't want to put on a ton, but two pounds is still a solid gain. (Dad, who I take after in my complete inability to revel in my successes or live in the moment, immediately pointed out that if I kept up that rate of weight gain I'd have gained 15 pounds by the end of summer, which would be a healthy weight. I don't even want to think about a) a full 15 pounds, b) the end of summer, or c) even defining a 'healthy weight'... or, worse, having others define it for me.) Joan was incredibly relieved that I finally gained weight, and urged me to push it even more next week (probably wary, as I am, that I'll start easing up after a small success). She also remembered that Dr. Scarth is away on holiday, and asked me how I was doing mentally-wise (although not in those words, of course). I mentioned that the parentals and I have been discussing the conditions on which I am to be allowed to return to Kingston, and how I was surprised to realize that I really have no desire to go back. Joan said pretty much exactly what Dr. Scarth would; that I should listen to myself, and not put myself back in the same position as I was last year, under the same stresses and outside pressures. Then I went to go pick up my prescription of Prozac from Shoppers, and met Christine at Masonville for some shopping. (She got paid today, so in our very first stop she bought a pair of shoes. They were very nice, but unfortunately everything afterwards was a bit anti-climatic, since I definitely wasn't buying anything). On a whim, we decided to see The Proposal, which we have been talking about for a while and was playing at 4:20. Needless to say, it was pretty stupid (I can't believe Sandra Bullock found it special enough to break her 'no more rom-coms' rule), but it was mildly entertaining. There were no big belly laughs, but lots of little laughs all the way through. I've decided I have tired of gum. No more; not only is it too expensive, and killing my throat, I really just don't need it. It's frivolous and unnecessary; work might be a bit difficult without it, but I think I can do it. So, beginning tomorrow, no more gum! Also beginning tomorrow; setting aside specific creative writing (or just plain creative) time. It won't happen unless I set aside a chunk of my life to get into it, and I think I should encourage it while I have to time. I'm trying to make a list of all the things I've learned through this experience, and it's quite difficult. It ranges from the miniscule (I really like grocery shopping) to the giant (balance is the key to life, and also something I unfortunately quite struggle with). I'll work on it more tomorrow; right now I think it's time for some Harry Potter indulging. (Comment on this)
Sunday, July 12th, 2009
10:52 pm	Last day of being a teenager... ... if only it meant the last day of teenage angst. I guess, as Hannah and Phoebe pointed out, I can now refer to any angst as a 'quarter-life crisis'. But I'm not that excited for my birthday. It's not just because I'm not expecting any good presents, because all I really want is money for clothes (later, when I gain weight) and the trip to New York. (And yet, I'm sure the fact that the presents are 'belated' probably doesn't help create a birthday feeling.) And it's not because I don't have anything fun planned; I don't, but I don't want to plan any big extravaganza with friends anyway. The Weather Network assures me that it will even be a nice day. No, I'm not excited because, on the one day I'm allowed to indulge in what I want, I have no fracking idea what I want. I can't even decide on what I want for my birthday dinner--turkey burgers and sweet potato fries? Pad thai? I have no idea how I'll fill my day. I will definitely swim at least once, if not several times. I might walk down to the Byron library--or even drive down to the Central one and wander around downtown. I might bake a sour cherry pie, because I love baking and we have the cherries/pre-made lazy pie crust. And I love my dad, who would be delighted with a cherry pie. Fortunately, the boys are in baseball camp in the morning and some golf thing in the afternoon, so I don't have to deal with them hanging around. I *do* have to deal with Rachel now, but she's quiet and goes out her way to be out of MY way, so it's all good. I wish I were happier for my birthday. I wish summer would never end, either--I still don't want to return to kingston. I can't bring myself to check my queen's webmail account for emails, or to try and figure out my course schedule again. Even imagining hanging out with Jessie and Hayley is painful. I just want the warmth of summer, the long days, the quiet reflection time to go on. And if I have to move on, I want to do it cleanly, with a new set of friends. I don't want to go back to 'the way things were', which is impossible in any case. Pretending it's possible will just be awkward. Jessie seems to be considering painting the kitchen and the living room, without consulting me and probably without consulting Ashleigh. I don't really care (and Hayley seems to be encouraging it), but it would still be nice if she didn't act like she owned the house. Hayley also says she doesn't agree with my diagnosis of anorexia, which makes me wonder... I guess I was just surprised by the depth of my dad's anger at the two of them, for not calling my parents up and mentioning that something might be really wrong with me. As I told him, it would be really hard for people who saw me every day to draw the line--when did my behaviour become abnormal? What exact date was the breaking point? He agreed he didn't know, although he said that after they visited me on their way to Mount Sutton they got officially very worried, but couldn't really take me out of school right before exams. Anyway, I wonder what would have happened if Hayley and Jessie called my parents. In other news, Hayley jetted off to a surprise trip to England. Damn her. OK, I'm tired and sort of sad. Here's to hoping that tomorrow, my birthday (!), will be happier... and to hoping that 20 is so, SO much better than 19. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 7th, 2009
10:20 pm	Beginning yet again... Shall we try journal-keeping one more time? And yes, I know that's a lie... I will start writing in this regularly for a bit, then drop off, then begin anew... and over and over and over... Anyway, this time it's because Dr. Scarth is going on vacation for several weeks, and thinks that writing in a journal would be beneficial for me in the meantime. Lots of people will be checking up on me (Joan Mitchell, the nurse-practitioner who monitors my nutrition and diet; Dr. Jordan, my GP who focuses on my depression meds and whatnot; the parentals) so I didn't think it was important to see another psychologist while Dr. Scarth is away. However, she is good at making me define my thoughts and beliefs, and making me verbalize the very confusing and murky thinks going on in my head. By attempting to write some of it down in a journal, I might get somewhere. But I'm really not in the mood for it right now. I'm feeling OK, but I really just want to go to bed and wake up tomorrow. Tomorrow is filled with SLIGHTLY more productive activity, a.k.a. work at Lakeview. And eating more. I have no idea what I'll pack for lunch and dinner, but it will probably be crackers and salad with leftover sandwich meat. The Weather Network also promises me that tomorrow will be nicer than today; mostly sunny and possibly up to 21 degrees. I probably won't be busy at work (it's a Wednesday, after all) so I can spend lots of time picking up golf balls in the warm sun. (I also get paid tomorrow, is Len remembers; it won't be a huge cheque, maybe $360, but it's something, right?) I chose my courses today, but thanks to a deadly combination of second year Latin being in a weird time slot AND having a later-ish selection date meant that all the good courses were either conflicts or full. So I really hate my schedule/timetable, and don't really want to think about it right now. I have something that works, which is the important thing, and I have time to add and drop as I see fit for a couple of weeks. Also, as Katie Pederson's facebook status proves, other people are experiencing the exact same thing. I feel better knowing that I'm not alone in being screwed over by QCARD. I really should call Laura up and ask her to hang out soon. I feel like she thinks she can't call me up and invite me out to do stuff--perhaps because I always used to say no? But I'm feeling better, and more nicely inclined towards her, so I think we should hang out one-on-one soon. Tomorrow I will likely be tired after work, but maybe I can call her DURING work and we can chat, and then make plans to hang out Thursday (although I do see Joan Mitchell at 2:30). We could go shopping, or out for coffee, or have a sauna, etc. etc. etc. Anything--but I really should get this done. Also, I decided to shamelessly bribe myself into gaining weight. My initial promise to Mom about gaining five pounds was made when I was, sadly, six pounds heavier, so now it seems waaaaay far away. I still want to get there, at the very least (128.7 is the goal, by the way), but I need something more short-term. SO, if I gain just FIVE POUNDS (or get to 122.6 naked on the scale at home, before a shower, as normal) I can go buy myself some Smashbox cream eye liner from Shoppers. That's right, $22 of sheer bribery and weight gain. (I also officially upped my yogurt intake in with my oatmeal to 1/2. I probably at that much anyway, but now I'm ruthless and shameless about it). Urgh, I just wish I could go to bed knowing I'd fall asleep within minutes, but truthfully I would just lie in bed, awake and worrying. Stupid sleep, why are you so elusive? I'm too tired to really put any effort into reading, yet not tired enough to make going to bed viable. Why the pain? Why the torture? Can't it just be tomorrow? I think I love mornings so much because I love the feel of a fresh start. No mistakes; just opportunity, organization, and possibility. At night, the day always somehow falls short; the eternal optimist in me always believes that tomorrow I can do better, tomorrow I can harness all the possibility, tomorrow can lead me down an entirely new path. Dr. Scarth and I talked a lot today about my anxiety around not being able to be unique--and I'm way too tired to get into it. I'll do it in the morning, says I. Not tonight. I think this is the worst re-beginning journal entry ever. But I have to click 'post' anyway. Gah. (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 7th, 2009
9:12 pm	A new beginning Ok, so it's a melodramatic title filled with delusions of self-importance. But it is sort of a new beginning, after a new low I hit last night. I finally told Christine and Laura more about what I was going through Saturday afternoon, as we sat on a park bench in Victoria Park. Laura, of course, had a lot of questions; Christine kept mostly silent (although I had told her a bit more about Dr. Scarth, etc. than I had told Laura). Laura--who apparently can never say the right thing--went off on a rant about how I'm thin, and it's just skin I'm pinching, and the fact that I think I'm fat is stupid, and how her whole family is worried about me. I spent a lot of time afterwards thinking about why comments like that piss me off, and why I hate when people notice my weight loss and especially get irked when they mention it (I still have yet to come up with a good reply; so far I've just either nodded awkwardly or stuttered something about finally movig away from residence and cafeteria food). I realized that their comments make the weight loss somehow partially belonging to them, because they can see it and are ultimately affected by it. I resent Laura's comments because she has no right to talk about my body or to pass judgement on my looks. I also realized that my parents were very smart in NOT doing that, in not sitting down and forcing me to eat a steak, or not making of ton of comments on my food choices (although Mom is better at not saying anything than Dad is). If they had made my diet an issue, I would have fought harder to have it my way and eat less, because I would have felt more out of control. By not saying anything, they were allowing/making me take ownership and responsibility for it. Anyway, I figure I might have to tell Laura to AVOID saying anything like that, because she has no right to talk about my body. I don't mention how she looks like a Jiggly Puff pokemon, and she should be able to shut up about me and my changes. However, that was by no means the low of the night. The conversation also made got me thinking about how my goals are not really about being thinner. I'm finding my body less and less attractive, especially in my bony shoulders and sunken breasts. I was looking through Hello! magazine (trying to distract myself from a terrible NHL final game where Detroit pulverized Pittsburgh 5-0) and comparing myself to celebrities... and I realized that I thought all the people--including well-established beautiful ones like Eva Longoria Parker and Anne Hathaway--looked healthier and fitter and more attractive than me because they had more weight on them. *WHO* goes through a trashy mag and actually feels that celebrities look more like "real" people than oneself?!? So then I was lying in bed later that night, trying to sleep, and promising myself that I would try to live healthier come the morrow. I would exercise well, but also allow myself treats, I would work in whole grains, I would make sure my lunch and dinners were above 300 calories at least.... OK, maybe just 200 calories... and then I thought, WAIT--I just made a goal to eat meals over 200 calories because 300 feels too big and too high to aim for at first?!? 200 calories is generally an appropriate snack-size; why have I let myself feed my body snacks and pretended they were healthy meals? How have a let myself get so out of control? When did it get this bad??? And finally, the question popped up--is this anorexia? I still don't have the answer. In fact, I still don't have most answers. But I also came to the realization last night that if I apply myself to beating this monster, whatever it's name is, with half the tenacity and determination I applied myself to becoming 'healthy' and loosing weight in the first place, there is no fucking way I can loose. Thus, June 7 will henceforth be considered a new beginning, taking baby steps towards a TRULY healthier self. I went back to adding yogurt to my oatmeal in the morning (a third of a cup, so about 66 calories) plus an orange. I exercised and tried to keep my mind on how good it felt, and how strong my body was (made it to 45 minutes with some sprinting at the end and some core work). I made sure to add some protein to my lunch (2 slices of ham because of a severe lack of any other easy sources of protein), although I struggled with adding in whole grains (considered crackers, toast, noodles--finally decided against it all), but had a nice bowl of soup and a good variety of veggies without going for the low-cal ones first. I had a nectarine in the afternoon, despite really not feeling hungry (weird how my mindset has changed so much on that account; I used to fight to not snack in the afternoon despite feeling hungry, and now it's the opposite). I sort of stumbled at dinner, because they were just having leftover pad thai. So I sauteed myself up some Asian-tasting veggies for lack of any other inspiration, but topped it off with more ham for muscle-building protein again. I don't feel changed. I don't really feel healthier, and I'm worried about gaining lots of weight because my body isn't used to eating appropriately-sized meals. I like my new jeans, and I don't want to have to buy bigger ones. All I would like is too look healthier around my shoulders, boobs, and maybe back. I don't want any more blubber on my belly--and man, has it survived as one last hold out of fat on my body. Well, I can't continue living like this, so I guess I have to admit defeat to the belly fat and move on. *sigh* BUT, I'm just going to keep telling myself, baby steps will take me slowly back to healthy without creating (hopefully) any more problems. Small changes will keep me thin but slowly adjust myself back to something I can sustain healthfully. I also am going to stop trying to define normal by other people, whether or not they're supermodels. In fact, I really should stop thinking so much about the concept altogether. As the S Club 7 song points out (I was listening to it on the shuffle this morning), I've got to 'bring it all back to me'. What do I want, how do I want to feel, etc. Alas, I don't know what to say to the family doctor on Tuesday. "I think I'm depressed and I think I'm starving myself, and I don't know which came first"? "I'm clearly not healthy, please find out what's wrong"? Either way, I think I have to come in with an organized list of symptoms and concerns, otherwise it'll all just fly out of my head like it did when I was trying to explain it to Dr. Scarth. I haven't written anything about Dr. Scarth yet, mostly because I was tired of mulling over it (to myself, to parents, to friends) and didn't want to go through writing it down. But, in sum, I really like her. I was worried she would either act like she had all the answers (by being really clinical and professional, taking all my words and turning them into symptoms, having a set-in-stone process for patients like me) or act like she had no answers at all (by always asking questions like 'how does that make you feel?' and never really saying anything). Instead, she seems like a real person who has a better grip on depression and anorexia and happiness than I do, but mostly I think she is just someone who has the benefit of detachment and a big-picture view. She was able to take small things I said to her and fit them into a a tentative overall summary; she also seems like she has a plan, but one that she can always change or modify. A plan FOR ME, in brief, not for her, or for depressed anorexics, or even for her patients. For Gillian E. Mays. Two rather funny things happened, though. The first occurred right at the start, after we introduced ourselves and she brought me into her office. She opened the door and said "sit wherever you wish"; of course, opposite the door was a table in the exact middle of the wall, flanked by two identical chairs and topped with a Kleenex bow in the exact middle. Other than a computer-desk on the right hand side, there was nothing to differentiate the sides, and I wondered immediately whether she divided her patients into "those who sit on the right" and "those who sit on the left": would my choice say something about me? I chose the chair on the left, because the computer was on the right so it felt all in all more like 'her' side. But it was ridiculous and very funny, definitely could have been straight out of a Saturday Night Live skit. Secondly, she correctly nailed me as a reader (well, before I lost interest in EVERYTHING) and recommended an author for me to read about learning to not get too stressed in situations. I went to Chapters right afterwards because I had to search for a gift for Rachel anyway, and looked up this guy named Jon Kabat-Zinn. The book in the Self-Help section of the store, but despite extreme embarrassment I forged ahead and found it; it was the classic, terrible self-help book I have always scorned. All about imagining yourself as a happy daisy and whatnot. But I figured I had to take dramatic steps to cure myself, so I tucked the book under my arm while I looked for a novel for Rachel. I finally decided that I could NOT spend $25 on that shit, that there was no way I had hit the rock bottom yet that required buying and reading about mindfulness and relaxation. So I hid it behind Leonard Cohen's Book of Longing and walked quickly away. I'll just tell Dr. Scarth that I'm not interested in reading that sort of book, and hopefully she'll find different ones to recommend. On Chapters, a highly recommended book on anorexia is "Wasted", so I might buy that if I'm looking to read someone else's thoughts on suffering from it (although I'm still not 100% sure I do). I'm watching Game 2 of the NBA finals between the LA Lakers and Orlando Magic right now; I'm in the basement but the parentals are down here too. Tomorrow will be a better day, because it's a Monday so the kids will be at school and Dad will be at work. I'll exercise, but I don't know what I'll do for the rest of the day. It's supposed to rain in the morning and thunderstorm in the afternoon, so I don't know if I can paint the chair. Ah well, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. For now, I'm going to shut off my laptop and really watch the last three minutes of this very close game. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 2nd, 2009
11:29 pm	Waiting for Rachel to get out of the bathroom...  ...because she definitely ran upstairs ahead of me purposefully and started showering.  Right when I wanted to get ready for bed *sigh*. Anyway, today was a better day than most.  I tried to keep busy.  I broke down in tears twice, once with Mom and once while I was putting lotion on after my shower, which just demonstrates that logic does not have a good grip over my life right now.  In the morning I did not exercise, which was OK because I had the two previous days.  Mostly, though, I just felt like shit and didn't feel like forcing myself onto the treadmill.  Instead, I finished some hot lunch forms for Mom and took a long, warm shower.  It's so fucking freezing right now, and its not just me.  Other people have been putting the family fireplace on all day, it's that cold--and it's June 2.  Weather Network tells me that the daily temperatures are at least ten degrees lower than the usual average for this time. I had a salad for lunch, plus the left over sweet potato fries.  Maybe 150 calories all told, although that is a liberal guess--it was probably only 100, since the salad was two cups of very low-cal veggies (like spinach, cabbage, tomato, cucumber, mushrooms).  Then I finished painting the fence posts around our pool with a second coat of black paint--it was pretty sloppy because I've lost all motivation for it, but not sloppy in a way that one could tell.  They look nice and solidly black, and they really blend in well with the rest of the fence.  It's a good job to get done, and I hope it makes Mom and Dad happy. Which brings me to the thought of the day... I wonder if perhaps my recent obsession with helping out the parentals has some selfish undercurrents.  As I discussed yesterday, I've realized that nothing I have/am/do has any value, because it is definitely not making me happy (OK, so some small part of me still believes that's a debatable point, but let's just carry on).  I tried becoming thinner--didn't make me happy.  Tried becoming more social--and yeah, I ran into a number of roadblocks (my own innate anti-social-ness, my friends and acquaintances not co-operating, etc.), but any successes didn't make me happy either.  Tried obtaining things, like nice clothes, and that failed miserably too (although I love my new jeans from Tall Girl that are actually too long for me).  So I figured, subconsciously, that maybe the answer was to create happiness for others; hence all the focus on being the perfect helpful daughter. Well, it hasn't worked.  I'm still miserable, and I'm still making my family miserable by association and having to live with me.  Granted, I know that I really do help, and that my parents are thankful for it.  But the small doses of happiness I create for others do not trickle over to my side of the pond.  Grrrrr.  I'll still continue offering all/most of the help I can, and do odd jobs around the house, drive siblings, cook and help with hot lunch.  But now I understand that it isn't going to be the cure, or at least not the brunt of it. Dinner was beef tenderloin (I took care to cut myself a deck o' cards-sized piece, as is the recommended serving size--about 120 calories), sauteed mushroom and onions (I love those so much, and they're pretty low-cal--50 maybe for my large serving), and carrots and peas (another rough 50).  And dessert, which was frozen yogurt and melted nutella (200 calories exactly--I measured it all out).  Funny how I've baked cookies, muffins, a fruit loaf, black bean brownies, and Sheila bars, and yet it is the packaged treats (popsicles, popcorn, ice cream and Nutella) that we all have been snacking on all day.  Ah well.  I ate it early, because I had to leave shortly after 6 to make it to the BDP tryouts.  I had agreed to replace Mr. Fraser in running a rebounding station, so that the real coaches could wander around and view the kids (grades 6 and 7 girls) without having to focus on running a drill.  I did NOT want to do it, of course, but I got through it and I'm glad I did.  The coaches had me fill out a comment/scoring chart for each of the girls, who had numbers written on the back of their calves so that we could identify them (I remember a similar system from the one JDP tryout I was forced into).  I hope I ran OK drills, and I hope my chicken-scrawl, random comments help.  They (Andre and Jay, by the way) had three other coaches helping out; Chris Bogart, who clearly didn't remember me and spent the entire time talking to the other really old guy, Bill Day; and this younger-ish guy (I mean, 32) named Rob who apparently coaches some Ramblers team.  He was young enough that I actually eyed him for a few minutes, before deciding that the pot-belly ruined the already-sub-par looks, and that I was probably just blinded by the fact that he was taller than me anyway.  Andre gave me a free t-shirt for helping out, and said I was welcome to come back Thursday for the second tryout,  I said that I would see hw my week turned out, which gives me room to either a) force myself to be social-ish and go again, or b) decide that the pain isn't worth the reward and spend Thursday night alone at home, alternating watching TV and making gross herbal tea.  I don't think there is any chance that it will turn into an opportunity to take on a more involved role within the team, so it really would just be me wandering around in a gym, trying not to look too out of place or bored. Yet as I mentioned, I'm glad I went tonight.  At least it gave me a little something to do.  My shot was PAINFULLY bad, my arms felt strangely weak despite the effort I've put into building muscle, and I forgot to shave my legs, but I got out of the house. I've messaged both Chelsea Alexi and Jessie Murdock asking them out for coffee later this week--I'm hoping at least one of them will say yes.  I have been avoiding getting into contact with old high school friends because, after all, what the hell do I say to them?  "Yeah, I have completely failed in the summer employment search.  And yeah, I've lost a ton of weight--I'm not sure whether it was intentional or a by-product of me being clinically depressed for most of the past year, but let's talk about your way more exciting life instead"?  But I've decided that I should just keep it simple; refer to myself as UNDERemployed, because I do have the Ramblers camps and the odd job work for the parentals; mention that I didn't have the best year but don't refer to it by any scary names; and for God's sake don't dwell on myself.  Keep asking them questions, and revel in the excuse to wear beautiful new jeans and look really nice and thin. Tomorrow it hot lunch, but it will be a hectic day because it's also track and field, AND Shannon is coming.  So Mom has to leave early, deliver some of the kids lunches early and some late--if the Time Savours lady can get the lunches ready in time.  However, I probably don't have to arrive early, so I will have ample time to exercise tomorrow morning and shower and tidy up for Shannon.  I really just have to tackle laundry in my room, anyway.  Then I might get together with Kathleen, if she is not out of town, or maybe attempt to find a birthday present for Rachel.  Or maybe just mope about the house. Anyway, I'm getting very tired (also hungry, since I ate dinner so early *sigh*), so I'm going to go get ready for bed now.  Rachel is finally out of there... who showers at this time of night anyway??  Sweaty, greasy hair be damned. (Comment on this)
Monday, June 1st, 2009
11:02 pm	The D-word I have decided, after a long-ish hiatus, to continue chronicling my empty life for a couple of reasons; one, it'll give me a little something extra to do each day, and two, it will make for an interesting case study after I get through to the other side of this... IF I do get through. It will be interesting to see how the symptoms of depression--I am pretty damned sure it is depression, despite the lack of an experienced professional telling me so--wormed their way into my life before I was aware that they were symptoms. Now, I just chalk everything up to mental illness. Or maybe my life has just shrunk to only include my depression, because it's someone's cruel joke that the only thing I can't get rid of successfully is the single most painful thing to live with. I can alienate friends, I can cut peanut butter out of my diet, I can throw out all the old scraps of paper and remnants of high school, but I can't shake this giant black cloud over my head. Another reason for keeping up with a journal, I think, is that sometimes I do manage to say some pretty smart things. Tonight, for example, at the end of a tedious and drawn-out tear-fest with the parentals, Dad attempted to eke out a smile from me by noting that I looked a bit like him, but way prettier. I nodded, because despite the shiny nose, red skin, and the army of pimples that has conquered my face--as if constant INNER misery and pain weren't enough--I am good-looking. He laughed, and I finished "... but you can't write it on a resume, and it doesn't make you happy ..." to which he replied affirmatively and just hugged me harder. Thinking about what I said a few minutes later (washing my face and trying to stop crying), I realized I had stumbled upon a major crux of my depression: if I'm not happy right now, then it means nothing I possess or no part of who I am has any value. Where does one go from that epiphany? Trying to figure out what has value has involved me trying to figure out what sort of life I want to end up living, and I have yet to find a satisfactory answer. My parents' lives are not the answer, since both of them are miserable--another thing that came up during tonight's 'discussion', which I'll detail later if I have the energy--and I can't envision myself being fulfilled in their positions either. What gives life value, and thus happiness (or is it vice versa), and how do I acquire this? Family/children? Nonsense, see aforementioned example of parents. Love? Seemingly impossible in my case anyway (although I guess that's a little bit of a melodramatic judgement, seeing as I'm not even 20), but in all events something that appears to be un-strive-able. Love, the giant body of culture I've witnessed has told me, is something that just falls on your head. All you really can do is seize the opportunity. And I'm pretty sure my sorry sorry life has no opportunities. So then is the answer a fulfilling career? Nah, too one-dimensional and dry. A possible argument against the epiphany would be that just because I'm not happy right now doesn't mean EVERYTHING in my life is completely void of value. It only means that the current configuration and the current sum of all parts does not equal happiness. To which my depressed self replies, a fine theory, but a false one on account of the fact that it's more than just not achieving general net happiness. There is NO twinkle of happiness in my life right now; food is increasingly tasteless, friends are increasingly impossible to relate to, home is increasingly feeling like prison. Daily life is just juggling which activities I least hate doing. But then the argumentative side of me--I can't bring to call it the optimistic side--points out that configuration could be key; maybe I have some, or all, of the elements of happiness/value, they are just missing one piece or in the wrong positions. As soon as I make one (or several) small tweak(s), the light will come on. If we continue on the basis that nothing I have/am right now has value, we're left with a pretty bleak picture. Intelligence, beauty, a strong support network; all duds. Physical strength, determination, money; also useless in the pursuit of happiness. Maybe a big social network could have/will help. Maybe having one big dream/desire/interest would have helped pin me to something stronger than I am. What else have I learned about happiness by suffering through months completely devoid of it? For one, I'm still convinced that some part of happiness is NOT a choice, and is completely out of my control. Something internal took over, and although subsequent decisions (alienation of friends, banking all of my hopes on one 'miracle cure' of moving back to London, etc.) may have contributed, I cannot with any confidence argue now that happiness is fully a choice. Sorry, Ms. Ward. Anyway, I'm too tired to mull more over the big 'discussion' tonight here. In brief, it was about how frustrating I find it when Mom refers to this depression as 'normal', or as just a bad case of having tears in your tummy, or some badge of honour that everyone in her family has to go through. I want to treat this as a real illness, which is why I really want to have a doctor's appointment. Either the physician (next Tuesday) or the psychologist (Thursday) can tell me "yes, you are fighting something strong, it has a name and a process, you are sick, there is a cure". Then it wouldn't be me just acting up, or refusing to snap out of it. I KNOW that a proper diagnosis really doesn't count for much, I clearly am depressed and giving it a name and a prescription won't solve it. But it still would have been a step forward in the plot, and I need to be out of this limbo ASAP. However, the 'discussion' still ended with Mom complaining about her own depression and talking about Dad's; now everyone in the fucking house is apparently suffering from mental illness. I really don't want for this thing that has completely incapacitated me, completely derailed my life, to just be something that everyone goes through. Something, for that matter, that Mom and Dad are able to deal with so much better than me. But I'm tired right now, and tired of being tired, and tired of talking about being tired, and just plain tired of talking. So I think sleep is in order, if the gods will smile down upon me and grant me a few (well, eight or nine would be nice) hours of rest. Please? (Comment on this)
Monday, May 11th, 2009
5:14 pm	Waiting for dinner I'm sitting in bed right now, watching episode 14 of season 5 of The Office, entitled Lecture Circuit: Part 1. Unfortunately, there are twelve more episodes that I have to get through before the season finale this Thursday. I had no idea I fell so far behind! Ah well, a bit of slogging through and I should be good for Thursday. I wonder if it would be worthwhile to invite someone over--not Christine, since the season finale of Grey's Anatomy is airing at the exact same time--and have a wee bit of a party. Maybe Kathleen? I think she watches it... anyway, it's not a very good episode so far, but that might be because I'm alone and not really focusing. Dinner is chicken stew with dumplings tonight, which I'm semi-excited for. I like chicken stew and dumplings, but I did have a sandwich (one full piece of bread, and one really small butt-end piece) for lunch. So it's been a grain-heavy day; however, still a healthy one, thus I can probably have a small dumpling. Furthermore, I'm not really feeling the stick-to-your-ribs type of dinner tonight, but this is one of the things I have to deal with, being home. I'm subject to someone else's agenda--not always a bad thing, but sometimes sucky. Also, Mom is making pudding for dessert, which I really don't want but feel bad refusing. We'll see how I can handle this, maybe have just a bit? The points value (it's a Weight Watcher's recipe) is five, which is pretty hefty for a dessert. Episode just ended, with a bit of a cliff-hanger; Pam convinces Michael (although it doesn't take much_ to just go and visit Holly instead of completing the 'lecture circuit' they've embarked upon. Thank goodness Holly is coming back, I loved her and I loved their relationship. Dinner should be soon, I'm getting peckish. Mom said ti would be between 5:30 and 5:45, but Dad is not home yet AND I can hear her chatting on the phone. Once the chatting begins, everything else is put on hold, so I bet the chicken stew will be simmering blissfully away whilst she complains about some hot lunch incident. Hopefully Dad will come home soon and spark some movement. I'm not really all that hungry, but I am bored. Not much to do with (possibly) only a few minutes until dinner. For breakfast, I actually briefly considered a piece of toast with jam, but then went the regular oatmeal/milk/cinnamon route. I also had an orange, which was sadly not as good as the ones from Remark. I am really not impressed with the produce at A&P; if it's not near-rotten, it's lackluster. Always big and shiny, of course, but taste-wise it tends to let one down. For lunch, I had a turkey sandwich with carrots, which I figure at about 300 calories. Breakfast at about 200, and a snack of an apple at about 70 puts today's caloric intake so far at approximately 600 calories, if we round up just to make sure. I'm trying to introduce treats and 'extras' I also went for a 45 minutes run this morning, despite being crippled by a stitch early on. I actually had to stop at 15 minutes--I haven't gotten a stitch that bad for a while, and sort of thought I was past them. Alright, I think it's time for dinner, so peace out. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 22nd, 2009
10:29 pm	Home for good! I finally came home for good today; no more Kingston, no more school, no more crappy housemate stuff for a full four months. There's crappy stuff here too, of course--the boys, the boys having no manners, the boys having a sleep-over on Friday, Rachel being distant, Dad being overbearing, unhealthy food being served and offered every day, having to find a job--but at least it's new crappy stuff. And it's the kind of thing (except for the employment search) that can be dealt with day-to-day, and won't hang over my head for weeks and whatnot. Anyway, about today. It was definitely a 'free' day. I did go for half an hour run this morning (approx. 307 calories) and did some sit-ups, but then I had a Turkey Bacon Club from Tim Horton's for lunch (440 plus 50 for carrots) while driving home from Kingston. Then, Mom served the classic chicken-and-potatoes, of which I had the appropriate servings, with a light-ish gravy and spinach (100 + 130 + 20 + 20). The real kicker was a brownie for dessert, with half a cup of ice cream at a shocking 145 calories. I wish I had just the brownie, but oh well. I turned down banana bread, wine, more food, and juice, so I did pretty good. It puts my daily total at 1245 calories (minus 350 for working out), which is about 1.5 times more than I normally eat daily. Yikes. BUT, tomorrow officially begins real summer, with sticking to a healthy (physically AND mentally) plan. I'll wake up at 7, unless I get up earlier, and then have a breakfast of either cereal or stove-cooked oatmeal (the microwave is broken, horror of all horrors). I'll go for a run for at least 30 minutes, shower, and then put together a resume for T.J. Baxter's (and possibly Marienbad, or Aroma). If I have time, I should then start some laundry and sorting through unpacking. Then I'll get dressed (tight jeans, AA shirt, pull out a nice bra from my packed clothes, a stolen pair of Rachel's underwear, brown belt, possibly silver hoops) and head out for coffee with Christine... although I note she hasn't replied yet on Facebook. I'm going to go grab my cell and text her. Back. If we do go to Little Red Roaster at 11--I'll only have a coffee of course--then afterwards I do the whole resume thing. Head home for lunch, probably of left over chicken. Maybe a chicken salad, since I noted some romaine in the fridge. Ah, just got a text for her, and she works both Thursday and Friday for most of the day. How I hate people with jobs!! In that case, there's really no schedule for tomorrow. I'll still probably wake up at 7, and I should go for a run ASAP to get it over with. Shower, print off resumes, and then depending on how the day goes I can either go to T.J. Baxter's right before or after lunch. Probably do some grocery shopping for Mom (and cotton pads--we're dangerously low). Unpack and do laundry all afternoon, dinner with the fam, then drive over to Christine's house for 8. I just really want to chat with her sans Kathleen/Laura/others, people who I may not be so comfortable around. Or just an atmosphere that makes me remember why I hate people sometimes. Anyway, it should be good. Just checked the London Free Press, and it says that T.J. Baxter's is hiring part-time security and hostesses. One is supposed to apply in person between 3-5 pm, Tuesday to Thursday. So, I guess I'll do it in the afternoon. Unfortunately, it's a hostess position, and unfortunately, it's only part-time. I wonder if I could do better with John Adams and Sunningdale? I should talk about it with the parents tomorrow. I think I should both apply to T.J. Baxter's and email John Adams, and then see what comes of both. I can't see Sunningdale being more than part-time either, but we'll see. It doesn't hurt (much) to try--worst comes to worst, Sunningdale can offer me only a few hours a week, and I have to tell Mr. Adams "thank you so very much, but I think I found something that works out better for me". And in between part-time shifts, I work for Mom. Actually, I suppose the REAL worst-case scenario is that neither place hires me. Yuuuuuccccckkkk. Let's just plough ahead and not think about it. Moxie's isn't completely lost--according to the website, the 'open' positions close on the 29th of April. I'll call in a few days and maybe ask? Grrr I wish I remembered his name... but this is doable! I've got to get to bed, I'm tired! I thought I'd just write a quick entry, seeing as I haven't had internet access for two days (I'll tell the tale tomorrow). Goodnight! (Comment on this)
Monday, April 20th, 2009
2:00 pm	More hot-water bottles, more Disney, and more procrastination This time it's Atlantis, which definitely is not top of the DIsney list, but I was looking for something I didn't remember well. And something that would allow me to work/think while watching. I'm trying to sort out the next couple of days in my head, what with the exam and leaving Kingston (and a dwindling food supply). I THINK that for the rest of the afternoon I'll try to study--it's a terribly gross exam to study for, but I have to try. Then I'll have a dinner of roasted beet salad, with a lemon juice/red wine vinegar/shallot dressing. Plus some roasted asparagus (might as well if the oven in on) and baked pork. After dinner I maybe will study a bit more, and then pack some more. I can finish packing a lot of my clothes, leaving out some for the next two days of course. I can also deal with my shoes (put in shoe boxes). Tomorrow, wake up at about seven, have breakfast of oatmeal and the grapefruit. Write exam, try not to die. Have lunch (tomatoes and toast or something), wash sheets/dishtowels. Clean room, clean house. Dinner of pork stir-fry. Finish packing. Wake up Wednesday, exercise, clean out fridge and pack away my cupboard stuff. Load up car, leave at about 10? *sigh* I really don't want to write the 260 exam. And I especially don't want to study for it, but it's one of those things that just has to be done. I'm also remembering right now how much I didn't like this movie the first time I watched it. Giant load of over-produced, anti-historical crap. It's raining outside right now, which I expected, but that doesn't make it any nicer. Gah, feeling listless and restless all at once sucks. So many things I should do, so many things I want to do, and none of them intersect at the moment. Think I'll have a nap *heaves another sigh* (Comment on this)
Sunday, April 19th, 2009
10:37 pm	A gross day I absolutely hate the feeling of a day like today; of being caught in a murky mess, with the only possible option being scratching your way out slowly in a direction you can hope is up. It's unclean, it's possibly futile, and it's necessary. This exam is hard to study for; there's nothing I don't understand, and I can really only review, review, review and hope that I'm smart enough to pull it all together during the exam. Today was entirely taken up by trying to organize my notes around the 20 thematic points he concluded with; the problem was, his 20 points overlapped so much, and were so unclear in other places, that I really think I just messed up my notes more. Ah well, the important thing--I think--is that I was working my brain around and among these notes, and hopefully I picked a lot up. Tomorrow I'm going to sit down with each of the points and just try to list all the possible works I could mention and explain under it, which might be a whole lot clearer than trying to pick out his points through my scrawl. Anyway, it honestly took up my entire day. I haven't left the house, I've taken a couple 15 minute breaks, and I watched the Miss USA 2009 pageant while working on them... but I haven't really stopped for any lengthy amount of time. I ALMOST went for a run, and I wish I had, even though I figure I'm at least as thin as all of the contestants in swim suits, if not more fit than most. I'm refusing to accept 'this' as my future, though; once I get back home, it's back to exercising six out of seven days a week. However, I'll be more lax about it if I miss more... the important thing is re-incorporating exercise as part of my daily activities. It's so much easier to just do when it's expected and every day. So as long as I maintain this every-other-day-ish-ness until then, I'm good. Sarah came home finally, and she moves out on the 26th. Ashleigh wanted to move in the 24th, so that's unfortunate--funny how out of all four of us, the one person we need to move out earlier has the latest exam. But we had a good conversation about what we're going to do to close up the house; I'll take care of the kitchen and cupboard/fridge, she'll do the garbage on Thursday night, and we'll both just tidy up after ourselves. Back to the studying, though, I did complete my goal for the day, which was to get through the entire year's worth of notes. It means tomorrow I can a) go for a nice run in the morning (unless it rains/is too cold, in which case it will be the gym), b) focus on organizing all the information in my head, and c) get a head start on packing/preparing for home. I also finally emailed Matt about when I can expect to get my essay back in the mail--hopefully he still checks his qlink account. So at least it was a (hopefully) semi-productive day. Food today was OK, I think I consumed about 800 calories all told. I had the leftover soup and a salad for lunch, and pork with asparagus and a sweet potato/onion/mushroom side dish that was really quite good (although potatoes take so long to cook). I have decided that if I don't feel like eating all the pork, I don't have to. It was only 5 dollars, and I am no where near that poor to be worrying about it. My health and my sanity come first, and if I want to make something else, I will. Having said that, I don't think I'll be buying any other meat, I'll just use up beans or tuna or have a vegetarian meal. Tomorrow I should also see if I can get a timer for the lights in my room, although it is near the top of the Things I Least Want To Do list. I should get the boxes and bags from the car, and start packing stuff like dirty clothes, clothes I know I won't use between now and leaving, books I want to take home, and whatnot. Another good thing to do, if I so desire, would be to print up some resumes and cover letters in preparation for the summer-employment-search-continuation. Marienbad is looking for servers, I could also drop by T.J. Baxter's and Aroma with resumes. Possibly Bernie's, Barney's, and Sunningdale, although those all need Dad's help. And maybe even Olde Fish & Chips, although I'd really rather not work there. Beggars can't be choosers. However, I will have some time on Tuesday afternoon/night and Wednesday morning to finish packing up, so the priority should of course be studying. Grrrr, I wish Sarah wasn't home. It was so nice last night and this morning, and most of this afternoon, not having to worry about being too loud. I'm feeling so... bored with my life right now and ready for something new. I just want to be instantly transported to a week from now, where I'm being trained to work at Moxie's and summer has officially started. School is all over, it's getting warmer by the day, and I have four months ahead of me to recoup and just focus on life in the moment. I hate not leaving the house ever, but I also hate leaving the house when I feel fat and have no clothes that fit me and should be studying and only have friends who are way more successful than me, etc. etc. etc. Please please PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE God, it would make me so happy to be hired at Moxie's. It's been officially one week since I dropped off my resume, and he did say that I might hear from them in a couple of weeks. Please just let this one thing in my life work out, please help my summer start off on a good note. Please. (Comment on this)
Saturday, April 18th, 2009
8:39 pm	Finally (almost) alone. I'm pretty sure Sarah is gone to Matt's, but she could come back at any moment, so that's why I'm still only 'almost' alone. Not to mention that the two girls have moved in downstairs and are living there, so I can't be super loud if the urge struck me. They seem nice; the one named Karin (sp?) was in Hayley's spanish class last year, and the other we all forget her name. They both had wimpy handshakes--the wet, limp, dead fish sort. But they seem friendly and nice, and the fact that they can't possibly be better housemates than Justin and Gareth can't be held against them (although I suspect I'll smell a lot less pot wafting upstairs). They wanted to use our wireless internet since they haven't hooked theirs up yet, and they have exams next week, so I gave them the password with Jessie's consent. They offered to pay but I didn't say anything about it afterwards, because for one week we can be friendly housemates. Plus, it'll be suspended on May 1 for the whole summer, and then we can just change the password. Today was a better day than yesterday, I only almost broke out into tears once. I woke up semi-late after getting up (again) at 5 am to go pee; I think I may take a sleeping pill tonight just to make sure I sleep through the whole night for once. I had breakfast, used up the last of the milk without feeling guilty, and then went on a rampage of throwing out notes and papers. It was very therapeutic, and I only wish that I could have thrown out my ENGL260 stuff too. Then I dragged myself out for a run, which was very difficult, but once I started I was fine. I just ran to the high school and back, but it was perfect because just as I turned down our street the rain started. For once, the world worked with me. Then I did some weights, although I didn't do as many v-sits as normal. Had a shower (still below 135 lbs., thus reassuring me that I won't explode back to 190 if I let my guard down a bit). Said goodbye to Jessie, who left for Mississauga at about noon. VERY passive-aggressively, she left a note on the fridge with instructions on what I should clean up/take care of in the house before I leave, and left without saying a word about it. I will probably throw the note out and just do what I think is right. Fuck her. Hayley and Jessica then came home from shopping, and got ready to leave. I had a chat with Hayley about possibly seeking psychiatric help this summer, which was too sad a note to 'end' on, but oh well. Then I went back into my room and they left without me ever actually having SEEN Jessica the entire time she was here. I think that means I stay in my room too much. (It also means I was avoiding her.) Then I had a semi-unhealthy lunch of soup (130), toast (120), and an egg (65) with a pear for dessert (80). I went to the mall this afternoon, and just wasn't impressed. First off, the mall in Kingston really sucks. Secondly, the clothes were crappy too. And even if I liked the sort of stuff they were selling, it was all summer things, which just feel wrong right now because *I* haven't officially started summer, and it was rainy and cold outside. On top of that, I always have difficulty finding things that fit, and so I left the mall after two hours with a set of ear phones and new mascara, and nothing else. But then I went to Loblaws and had a nice grocery shop, even if I felt semi-uninspired by that too. I bought a thing of thin cuts of pork since I've been thinking about it, and I've had too much chicken recently--but I THOUGHT there were only four pieces in the package and it turned out to be six. So that's what I'll be having for every single meal until I leave (well I have seven lunches/dinners left, and five more pieces of pork, but it's still a lot). Dinner was thus a pork stir-fry with rice (and asparagus, green beans, carrots, onions, broccoli, hoisin and soy sauces and ginger). 'Twas excellent, and I'm quite full still, which is why I decided against having an apple. Must not overeat, even if it's healthy. If I'm full, wait until I'm hungry; listen to my body. And then I watched disney movies until now. w00t. Mom also called before dinner, and I didn't break down into tears. I even told her about possibly seeing a therapist this summer, which she supported. I'm not sure if I definitely want to do it, but I'm seriously thinking about it. How can anyone be this sad for so long? If nothing else, I HAVE to get a doctor's appointment at the beginning of the summer; maybe something hormonal is wrong with me, since I haven't gotten my period in months and am loosing way more hair than usual. Don't know what I'm going to do for the rest of the night. Don't have the energy for packing or for studying, but I'll feel guilty if I don't do one or the other since the rest have the day has been a complete waste. I think it's important that it was a complete waste, because I needed the break, but I still should do something productive in the last few hours of the day. Tomorrow I will have to really delve into studying, although it will be another nice day so I can go for a run (with my iPod and new headphones!) The Weather Network also tells me that now Monday, Tuesday AND Wednesday are supposed to be rainy, which sucks. Maybe I should do something with Brenna, too, since we talked about doing something this weekend. *sigh*. See how I feel. I hope she doesn't invite me out anywhere tonight, I'm far too lazy and it's rainy and I'm always tired. Part of the difficulty of actually starting to study for this exam is that there's no where to go but to the very bottom of the crap pile. The only thing I can do is go back to the beginning of my notes and start organizing them in my head/on my computer re: the 20 thematic points he concluded with. Maybe I'll have a bath instead.... oh man, I should slap myself. I need to be productive!! I'll make a promise with myself: if I work hard until 10, then I can think about having a bath. Off I go! ... while the motivation is still pretending to be there. (Comment on this)
Friday, April 17th, 2009
11:02 pm	One of the most pathetic Friday nights ever Got my ass kicked by my Latin exam this morning. It was way harder than I expected. I still think I got over 85%, but I really had to work. I took almost the full three hours, and halfway through I had to close my eyes, put my head in my hands and just rest for a minute before tackling it all again. Afterwards, I walked home and made myself lunch (the pesto/tomato/toast was amazing, by the way) and just lay in bed for a few hours. I'm not too worried, though, for a number of reasons, mainly a) it's done and there's nothing I can do about it now, b) I still did more than OK, and c) if I found it difficult, most other people would have done worse. Hayley said that all the film people she knew in the class that she talked to afterwards said they had failed. The mark will still be high enough to nicely pull up my average. And really, it's done. I couldn't have studied that much more for it. It was just EXHAUSTING. So then I did absolutely nothing for the rest of the day, not because that's what I set out to do, but because nothing appealed. It was an afternoon of spinning my wheels; nothing really had affect. I didn't buy myself a new magazine because I figured I'd just read Jessie's People to get the trashy-magazine fix, but I what I really wanted was an Elle or InStyle, not gossip; so I don't feel fulfilled on that front. I thought about going for a run but felt tired (tomorrow will rain, so I'll have to go to the gym). I thought about making bean burgers with peppers and onions and mushed up beans, but it didn't appeal so I just had a boring salad. I didn't want to clean, or pack, or study, or watch TV, or even go for a walk. NOTHING appealed. So instead I called the parents, ended up sobbing to my dad. He pointed out that I am an intelligent, competent, beautiful young lady and I will come out on top eventually. He also said that life is like an ocean; sometimes you're on the crest of a wave, and sometimes you're in a trough, and most of the time you're somewhere in between. When I argued that my assets can't be translated into things employers want to see on a resume, and that I've been on the bottom on this fucking trough for way too long, he went to go get mom. And she was less help, but I eventually stopped sobbing. I just want to be home. Tonight I felt like it was time for some less-well-known Disney classics. I just watched Robin, and now I'm watching Sleeping Beauty--classics, but not ones I saw often as a kid. Sleeping Beauty is not that interesting; it follows mostly the actions of the fairy godmothers, and who wants to watch three old women instead of beautiful princesses? Four more full days until I am home. I might even leave right after my exam on Tuesday, but that would put me in rush hour traffic around Toronto AND it will probably rain that day. But I just might be desperate enough to try it. Tomorrow I am going to clean, pack, and study a bit, but I'm also going to drive myself to the mall. So there. I'm exhausted, lots of things I want to say, but I'll say them tomorrow. Good night. (Comment on this)